By Michael Lewis
Not enough pro coaches really tell it like it is in their post-game press conferences and explain why their team lost or played so poorly.
Many bosses might spout cliches, sound overly optimistic and skirt the truth.
Ah, to have some truth serum or sodium pentothal to find out what they really think.We all know that is never going to happen, but I have conjured up some lines and statements every soccer fan would love to hear from a coach when life is on the brink.
Now, saying all of that, there are many coaches who speak to truth and don’t hold back either way.
But we can dream, can’t we?
* “I can’t believe anyone shows up, we’re so terrible.”
* “I would make our entire our entire team available for the expansion draft, we’re so bad.”
* “We’re a dull and boring team and it’s all my fault.”
* “Praying won’t help our sorry bunch of players.”
* “Our groundskeeper is so bad that he couldn’t grow cactus in the desert.”
* “I would put my entire team on waivers, but we have a game in a few days.”
* I was outcoached from the opening kickoff to the final whistle.
* “Listen, I know every coach says that he or she wants to play attractive soccer. What do you expect them to say? I’m going to bunker in every game because we can’t hit the broadside of a barn.”
* “Our player who broke Smith’s leg should be suspended for the rest of the season it was so bad.”
* “I admit I know crap about soccer. I failed by A and B license tests four times and that’s when I cheated on them.”
* “I should be fired I am so incompetent.”
* “You know, I’m going to do everyone a favor and quit right now.”
* “Our striker is so bad that he/she couldn’t beat a six-year-old goalkeeper and I apologize to six-year-old keepers for that comment.”
* “I’ll level with you. I don’t know what I am doing.”
* “I’m not going to throw my team under the bus but a rather a train because it played so badly tonight.”
* “I admit it. I substituted the wrong player at the wrong time.”
* “Our players are so bad that no team wants to make a trade with us.”
* “Our sporting director is is an idiot. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”
* “Our midfield is so slow that a tortoise would lap them twice.”
* “That was the worst mistake I’ve ever seen, and I’ve witnessed some horrible ones with this sorry squad.”
* “I was thinking of handing in my resignation, but I really, really, really need the money.”
* “I was thinking about quitting and then I thought who would hire me after guiding this debacle.”
* “We’re the worst team in the league.”
* “Let me amend that. We’re the worst team ever.”
* “What do you expect? Our owner doesn’t want to spend any money on players. He’s a skinflint.”
* “They should withhold the players’ wages they have been so awful.”
* “We should pay fans to watch us because the team is terrible. Why would anyone want to throw down good money to watch crap soccer?”
* “This guy makes $100,000 a game to miss the target. They’re stealing the owners’ and fans’ money.”
* “Why didn’t I shake the hand of the opposing coach? Because I think that coach is an a-hole.”
* “That player was called up to the national team? Is that coach daft?”
* “I would avoid answering questions from all you know-it-alls, but I would be docked a month’s pay if I refused to talk to the media.”
* “I don’t read your trash, anyway. Next question?”
* “I wish the owner would sack me and put me out of my misery. Then I can stay at home and count the money I will be making from this sorry sad sack of a club for the next three years.”
P.S. – This story was inspired from the time I visited and wrote about a Leyton Orient match for Soccer America in 1982. The home side was getting beaten something like 5-2 and its supporters were chanting, “We’re so bad it’s unbelievable!” They certainly spoke the truth and had a nice sense of comedic wit.” That memory has stuck with me for almost four decades.