Do we have a big scoop for you and we’re not talking ice cream!

This website has learned that Major League Soccer wants to expand.

Yes, yes, we know that the league has been expanding for quite some time, but not necessarily in the usual way. They’re not going to necessarily add teams, but a league.

No, no, no, it won’t be MLS 2 as some people have been clamoring about. Well, come to think of it, it will be sort of an MLS 2.

The league will be called Major League Squamish. Hence, MLS.

Alfredo Eduardo Neumann, no relation to the mailman on the legendary Seinfeld show from two decades ago, is allegedly the MLS commissioner we think.

You haven’t heard of this unique and head-turning sport?

Well, perhaps a little explanation is needed about this 43-man squamish, which played on a five-sided field.

* Lineups must consist of the following: left and right inside grouches, left and right outside grouches, four deep brooders, four shallow brooders, five wicket men, three offensive niblings, four quarter-frummerts, two half-frummerts, one full-frummert, two overblats, two underblats, nine back-up finks, two leaps and a dummy.

* Matches consist of seven ogres (eight if it rains that day) that are 15 minutes long.

* All players must wear the following uniform: a helmet, gloves, swimming flippers. They also will be equipped with a frullip.

* Before the match can begin, a coin flip (of a Spanish Pesta) must take place. If the visiting captain guesses correctly, the game ends.

* Hitting the pritz (the ball) across the goal line is a durmish and is worth 11 points.

* Carrying the pritz across the goal line is a woonillk and is worth 17 points.

* In the seventh ogre (and eighth if it rains) only niblings and overblats are allowed to score.

* Each team has five snivels (similar to downs in American gridiron football) to get the pritz across the goal line.

* If there is a tie, a sudden-death match must begin, but if both left overblats are out of the game, dirty limericks are to be shout from opposite ends of the field until one team breaks up laughing.

* Ah yes, if their are not enough people to play 43-man squamish, two-man squamish can be played, which is identical but the object is to lose.

* There are four game officials​ — probate judge, field representative, head cockswain and baggage smasher.

Are you still with us and not gotten a major migraine yet?

Now, no possible franchises have been considered quite yet, although New York, Los Angeles and Chicago must be considered as potential clubs.

OK, enough, enough already.

Before we go any further, if are still believing the swill that you have just read, then you quite gullible and we’ve got a few bridges and tunnels in the metropolitan area we would like to sell for you.

Please look at the date. Yep, April 1. You know what that means.

We wish we had the imagination to concoct a sport like this, but it took a super-genius to forge such a comedic athletic endeavor a sport like this.

Some 54 years ago in 1965, 43-man squamish was created by MAD Magazine writer Tom Koch.

Of course, the sport is too bizarre with utterly nutty rules and regulations to implement, but it has made readers laugh over the past five-plus decades.

If you want to see the entire story and get a few more chuckles today, visit:

Hope you enjoyed the story and oh, yes, have a Happy April Fool’s Day!

Front Row Soccer editor Michael Lewis has covered 13 World Cups (eight men, five women), seven Olympics and 25 MLS Cups. He has written about New York City FC, New York Cosmos, the New York Red Bulls and both U.S. national teams for Newsday and has penned a soccer history column for the Lewis, who has been honored by the Press Club of Long Island and National Soccer Coaches Association of America, is the former editor of He has written seven books about the beautiful game and has published ALIVE AND KICKING The incredible but true story of the Rochester Lancers. It is available at