We’re probably going to kick ourselves about this, but today, this website is trying out a new soccer columnist who will talk about tactics. Because we had so much to do, we could not find the time edit the column, so we will be asking our readers their opinions about Erwin Corrie’s innovative approach to the subject, however how bizarre that might be. So enjoy!

By Prof. Erwin Corrie

Very, very, very, very special to FrontRowSoccer.com

And where was I? On yes, it is great to be able to write about the greatest sport in the world, the best and most beautiful sport in the world. I can’t wait to educate the masses of soccer — or should I say football — or perhaps it should be futbol — Hmmm, I guess I will have to decide later. But I just can’t ramble on — err, I mean talk about the subject.

Probably the most common formation in all of soccer is the 4-4-2 because you can morph from so many other formations from it. Why, you can change into a 3-5-2 or a 4-2-2-2 or a 4-1-3-2 or a 3-4-2-1 or a 4-1-2-2-1 or 4-2-1-1-1-1-1. So many formations that I can’t keep track of them.

Real died in wool fans — I mean actual fans, not Real, as in Real Madrid supporters — can see the formations change on the field. Coaches can see it change in their minds. If you a newcomer to the sport, it looks like a mess. It does take a while for the uninitiated to understand the chaos that is happening on the field. You can look at the other side of things. On the other hand, it has five fingers. Or for you people who demand accuracy in a story, how about four fingers and a thumb?

I really would love to see more teams go out there and put more numbers to the right of those formations so we could see the 4-2-4, which was used back in the day before cowardly coaches went very conservative. Sometimes I feel it is a miracle some teams actually use a forward because they have so many players behind the ball. Isn’t it the purpose of the game to score and beat the opposition with more goals? So why play ugly and use horrible tactics? Where does that find itself in the beautiful game, huh? Can someone please explain that to me?

Let me get back to the subject at hand, which is … hmmm … I forgot. Oh yes, explaining soccer to the masses.

Fortunately, I remember where I left off. Ah, it is great to be able to write about the greatest sport in the world, the best and most beautiful sport in the world. … No, no, no that wasn’t it. Man, I lost my train of thought. This isn’t good, this isn’t good at all. But I digress …

OK, it’s time to go through the positions. You obviously need a goalkeeper. If you don’t have one you will give many, many goals. I remember when Casey Stengel drafted a catcher in the expansion draft when he was building the Mets. “You have to have a catcher because if you don’t you’re likely to have a lot of passed balls,” he was quoted. He certainly has a point there. So, it’s more or less a given that all teams start out with a player in the nets. Or is it between the pipes. Or is it in the woodwork? I forgot which cliché I should use here. But anyway, let’s go to defense. At center back, feel free to put a thug or two because sometimes you’re going to need someone who is physical on the inside of the backline. If you’re going to go that way, the other center back should be less physical and more technical, sort of like a good cop, back cop situation. Now for the outside backs. They should be mobile and fast. The left back should be able to go up and down and up and up and down and up and down the field, during to overlap as much as possible. When one outside back goes up, the guy on the other side should stay home in the back so the team won’t get caught up field too much. So, what does the right back do? Well, the same thing as the left back, except he goes up and down and up and down and up and down field. Hmmm, actually that sounds just about the same.

 

Onto the midfield, it’s all about politics. You have to be your most eloquent speakers at central midfielder the holding midfielders are arguably the most important player on the team. They are middle-of-the-road type players, so you need players who can deal as centrists. They should be able to communicate with the left and right midfielder and coordinating the defense in back of himself as well. Now we come to the most controversial part of a soccer team, the left and right wings. On the right side, you should get the most ultra-conservative player to play there. On the left wing, you need someone who has left tendencies. Trust me, there have been scientific surveys about this. I have it somewhere here in my house, but unfortunately, I can’t find it under the pile of rubble that I have on desk.

Lo and behind, we finally reach the forwards. You should put players there who like to and who can score goals. Because there is nothing worse than a team that has someone who can’t hit the broadside of a barn, yet many leagues around world, including Major League Soccer, find posers who can’t shoot. While not in the technical or tactical realm, you might want to find a forward or two who really know how to celebrate scoring a goal because it is more important to entertain the fans that way than it is to be prolific, right? Am I right? Of course, I am. I am a professor of soccer.

So, we come to the last paragraph of our column. I hope I learned you something because I know I write good. If you are interested in contacting me about more of this crap, err, I mean stuff, that I write, feel free to send any inquiries to ErwinCorrie@TheJokeIsOnYouToday.com.

On second thought, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea as using a tryout column. Unless you might have caught on by now, there is a hidden message in the story. Just go to the top of this piece and notice the first letter of each paragraph. That should answer many of your questions, unless you figure it out already or that you’re extremely thick as a brick. Enjoy the day. And actually, there is no Prof. Erwin Corrie, but there was an actual Prof. Irwin Corey, a great comedian who entertained millions of fans for years who passed away on Feb. 6 at the age of 102.